A chat with my inner goodie-two shoes. It went well…
This Saturday, at 10:30am to be exact, I take the stage. One hour. All me.
Life has been surprising and weird, particularly since February, the launch of my new website at www.alexalinton.com, a new focus (which feels amazing), a whole lot of new clients (who I love!). Waking up one morning to a phone call from a power-house visionary inviting me to speak at her tele-summit. What? Really? Being interviewed twice. Huh? Cool! Turning my whole way of doing everything on its head. Being a bit of a hard-ass when needed. Taking care of this body of mine. Wearing gorgeous, head turning dresses and fabulous heels. Addressing the big stuff. Getting all business-like.
But always feeling like there was a part of me not wanting to join the party, standing in the corner judging my new hairstyle, my I-actually-matter attitude and my rainbow coloured knee high socks (I don’t actually own any but I feel like I should go out and buy a pair now!). Then, last week at a BodyTalk course, I got called out, or rather this part of me did. The conversation was about integrity and attachment. How I was perhaps, maybe just a little attached to integrity? Like doing the “right” thing all the time made me better, more worthy, more deserving of good treatment from others and from life. And the resentment that stormed my castle when my “goodness” and “honesty” didn’t get its just rewards, when doing “good things” for people ended in yucky, sticky, weird feeling situations, when playing nice on the playground got me nothing but a goodie two shoes complex and a whole lot of unwanted alone time, when being the star of the show felt a lot more like being the only one that came out.
Some part of me believed it, believed that this was the only way, way back when. And so it took it on, this way of being, made it it’s own. That gangly, awkward six year old that needed to find a way to stop the bullying. That fiercely talented ten year old who could run like the wind and ace every test, who wanted more than anything in the world to be approved of and recognized and for that to equal love and acceptance and fill up the emptiness she felt. Even the terrified seventeen year old who rushed hurriedly towards university and an honours degree, thinking that proving herself as the best of the best would indeed and surely make her worthy of love, appreciation, something. My inner goodie two shoes has held on, this terrified, guilty, perfectionist part of me, through rebellion and triumph, through relationships falling to pieces and being rebuilt again, through a decade of torture as I left the shores of normality as a visionary and business owner, as I chose to do something so entirely opposed to the beliefs and understandings of my family and peers, the ultimate Chinese water treatment for my inner good girl.
Even now, over ten years later, she shows up, a tiny but mighty voice amongst the many. Her message for the most part positive, but driven so deeply by fear and therefore attachment to an outcome her good intentions are twisted into manipulation, into insidious ways of turning the tides her way. She is terrified of being disliked. She is horrified of being caught in a lie (and yet, constantly feels like a fraud). She cannot imagine without cringing burning a bridge. She cringes at the thought of conflict, of hurting anyone. She is scared to death of rejection. She is so so scared. Contracted. Backed into a corner by a life that is taking off in a direction that feels out of her control. A life that is potentially fraught with these dangers at every turn. And I feel her, telling me to turn back, to stop, to do something normal, to be a regular person, to stop this madness! Her rage is palpable and so is her sorrow. This part of me is convinced that without all the rules about being “good” and “perfect” and “right” I can’t be at all. That without this rigid and restricting framework of what a good and honest person is, of living with “integrity”, this life will fall down around our ears, a travesty, a shame, a huge and un-salvagable mess. It will all be over and everyone will hate me/us.
Crazy right? But we all have these parts of us, scared and upset, created as children to keep us safe, small, controlled, at bay. Before we knew the truth. Before we know what’s really up and how, all those opinions, attitudes, beliefs that others have about us and the countless ones we carry around about ourselves aren’t actually real. Aren’t us and most definitely aren’t the truth.
That inside is a compass, a sweet spot that knows. Knows how to be a loving person, an authentic person. Knows how to be real, true, open, expansive. Knows what we’re here for, the bigger why, the purpose, the “on” switch. That is inspired forward by the path that has already unfolded, the life that is waiting for you to step into it. That needs no rulebook of how to be good, how to be honest to get there, to figure it out. And that, when they are ready, these parts of us that are scared can heal and drop away because you have totally got this.
So, today, through this blog post (which is one of the infinite reasons I love to write) I’ve felt my inner goodie-two shoes stand up tall in her tiny corner and move forward into space. I’ve felt her take a look around this life of mine. And I’ve felt the truth drop in, the palpable release of the immense pressure she’s felt for so long, and felt her find her way back to wholeness. To an embodied sense of the truth. Because for truth to feel real we have to feel it. And this is what she felt and knows: We are worthy no matter what, loved no matter what, supported no matter what, accepted no matter what. Parts and pieces of the outside world may say and even feel otherwise, but that’s too bad, because we know deep down that that’s just not about us. Yes, on this weird and wonderful path I’ve had the good fortune to be able to walk, things might not look “normal” or “regular” or “perfect” and that’s because those things are actually subjective, meaning that they depend on our perspective and there are as many of those as there are people walking this earth.
Apparently my inner goodie two shoes is feeling quite complete with her job here as I’ve put her on a plane to Mexico. It’s a one-way ticket and she is ready for a very long vacation and a marguerita or a hundred. She’s been more than a little overworked around here.
As for me, well, I think it’s time to get even a little more real, since there is a big space to fill around here with this part of me gone. It sure feels like a whole lot of freedom!
Saturday 10:30am I take the stage. And I get to walk up there more whole, more funky, more rock-and-roll than I’ve ever been. No goodie-two shoes massively huge rule-book required. Maybe I’ll even swear a little. After all, well-behaved women rarely make history.
To your utter fabulousness,